It’s been a long ride into accepting the love that glorifies. The journey into a love that is fulfilling has taken me about 9 to 10 years. In my opinion, the characteristics each person has that shortchanges them, the beliefs they have that re-crucifies them, the journey they have to embark on to understand God’s love is different from another person’s journey.
My first relationship when I was 19 and in my 3rd year in University. It lasted for 6 years. It was a good relationship, for the most part of it though the last 2years were quite unpleasant. The thought of what people would say was what kept us together despite the imbalance and arguments. We had divergent views about everything, we were struggling.
You see at that point I was very naive and struggling to make sense of a lot of things. I was deeply entrenched in ‘virtue’ that is not defined by God but by parents, society, and patriarchy.
The break up was a tedious one, mostly because of friends and families who were trying to wrap their heads around what was going. “What do you mean, you grew apart?”
“Ki lo n je communication issues?”
😂 painfully hilarious period I tell you.
My second relationship was much shorter; lasted 6-7 months. It wanted to seem like love, Lol, but our ideas of Commitment were obviously not aligned. So, of course, arguments were aplenty, it was a living death over and over. After it ended, I couldn’t face that I had failed at this relationship, I couldn’t deal with the backlash that comes with painful breakups. So I entered a vortex of epileptic friendship with the same person, which spanned 3 years. I was losing my faith, getting sucked in a maze of mind games and receiving more death sentence on my soul in the process.
Until one day I was hanging out with my best friend and he said “you know you can leave right? You are probably just not facing the fact that you can leave & you are not bound there”
So, one morning, early 2016 I woke up and bid the friendship goodbye – “Yo, it’s time for me to move on. I don’t think it’s a fantastic idea to be close friends with an old boyfriend.”
This was my start of a journey into light. I have realized afterward that God often calls us out of our own mistakes, tries to rescue us from spirals of darkness, but we are often too afraid of letting go of our pride. Brokenness is a good thing if we are surrendered to God, he wraps us with light and mends us with love.
From March 2016, God started showing me that he loves me, and he’s been there all along helping me retain a measure of sanity – preserving my soul, not allowing me trade my values at any point. I literally felt God teaching me himself. Everyday became lighter, I started recognizing patterns that were ‘nice’ but detrimental to my own well being.
And gradually God led me into a love that shines and glorifies.
It’s interesting how God is already working on this amazing person for you and you are unaware, walking stumbling.
And he leads you into it and your mind is screaming – “I didn’t see this coming”
The people you choose to love are as important as the food you choose to eat. Their thoughts, values and ideologies start entering into your own blood stream. If they are not edifying, you’ll get polluted and then resentful.
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
Philippians 4:8 NIV
In November, I changed my church and started attending Covenant Christian Centre. And then I entered a wormhole of the amazing love of God. I was plunged into a new realm of weaning. God weaned me of myself, of tiny habits that litter the soul with weights, of people who I wasn’t sure how to leave completely, of elements and agenda that pull me down. I started to imbibe his love and his word opened up to me in new waves. He has healed of wounds inflicted by self and shrapnel of stupidity he has removed.