These days I’m pseudo-rejecting the idea of the tough iron clad woman with no emotions or something like that. I don’t think these things are an either-or affair. ‘You are either a strong woman or you are emotional’ (I think that’s a big lie.)
In the past, I had been through shit that made me feel the way forward was to be all strong, mighty and damning. I mean, practically everything thrown at women make us feel like this.
So, I hollowed out my emotions and walked empty.
The only problem was…I had created a recipe for disaster when I got into a loving relationship. Because it became pretty hard to talk about my feelings, how my emotions are, if I’m dealing with something internally. I’d want to say “I am so crazy about you and thankful for you” but the words would get stuck in throat. As if my fear was saying- ‘nope you ain’t saying shit’.
Thank God S is a naturally patient and kind person, who takes his time to ask & waits for me to talk.
Until…a Menstrual Cramps episode came unexpectedly.
Menstrual cycle is a tumultuous thing. For me, that timeframe every month is a tedious and painful 😖 one. I’m usually armed with Flo app, Hot Water bottle and Painkillers for those 3 days — and I’m indoors for at least the first day, if not for the 3 days. It’s a nutcase type of griping pain.
And my stomach for those 3 days is crazily bloated! I usually look like I’m 2–3 months pregnant.
I could go on, but I’m sure you get the picture. Basically, I avoid humans for that period.
Until this interesting cycle came late one particular month. I was supposed to be on my period on a Wednesday, but it didn’t show — Thursday, Friday, but the ‘chic’ refused to show up. I calculated (I have no idea what I calculated) and decided it’ll show up on Sunday.
So Saturday morning I went to S’ place, laptop and all, cos I needed to do some work. Lo and behold 30 minutes to getting there, Menstruation came on like someone switched a button.
And I started panicking. I didn’t want my boyfriend to see me in my menstrual drama — ”Please go where you are supposed to go, I don’t want you to see me all crazy in Cramps”. It wasn’t funny & I
We got painkillers, food and the crazy started.
S didn’t go out that day. He stayed and made hot tea (considering that my hot water bottle was at home) for me every 30 minutes to 1 hour. And at some point I kept saying “rub my belly”, which he kept doing. Helping me through the pain.
And then the interesting thing happened, the pain lasted 6–8 hours! I was fine and up by the 8th hour. We even worked on an idea together that day. And I remember S saying “I may not understand everything a woman deals with physiologically/psychologically but I want to help through each moment.”
After that day, I thought to myself, what would happen if more men deeply understand the workings of these things? Why was I trying to brave every damn thing on my own? How do we make more and more men understand these things beyond them paying lip service to Feminism?
I still don’t have answers yet to these questions. But. I’m becoming the woman who does her work, does it well, revels in badassery & strength. And I’m also the same woman who says “come and hug me” every hour to her boyfriend.
Because one does not negate the other.